While processing the loss of Midday Connection (a program that aired for 20+ years on Moody Radio), my team, and my job, I intentionally worked on being present with the grief – in the moment. This messy blog is part of that process – the story isn’t tidy. I read Janet Davis’ book, “Sacred Healing” for inspiration (she wrote the book while processing the grief of her son’s brain cancer). I am determined to grieve this well. Plus, I have a history of panic attacks that came from not addressing deep grief in the past and I knew that I didn’t want any more of those!
From the very day that I learned Midday was ending, I tried to engage in good self-care. Sleep, eat well, drink water, exercise. What I really wanted to do was sit on the couch, eat cheese curls, and drink coffee… but I tried to make some good decisions.
Even with the focus on taking care of my body, I still experienced insomnia, forgetfulness, restlessness, fatigue, depression, and… well, let’s say it delicately: “intestinal woes”… for months (oh, and to calm any fears you might have about my health, I’m fine now! #unemployment).
I was asked to do more work while wrapping up the last days of Midday. My initial internal response was, “Oh no…”, but I pushed that down and tried to think logically. Maybe I could do that project… maybe I could do just a little more work… that seems like the good and nice thing to do. But my body just recoiled at the thought of doing more while my program was dying. I listened to myself, my “gut”, and said, “no”. That was surprisingly difficult to say. I want to be helpful and a team player, but I just couldn’t do it.
I’m learning to honor my humanity – my limits, my frailty (Ps 103:14).
How about you? Do you ever find it difficult to listen to yourself, to what your body is telling you?