During the past few years, I had finally come around to the possibility that I could someday be a primary host for Midday Connection (a program on Moody Radio). After feeling most of my life that I had nothing to contribute, I felt that I’d found my voice and I had something to say. It was great fun, challenging, and so fulfilling to host Midday Connection and talk about things that really matter.
To lose this job, this program, this passion is confusing. I finally found my voice and now it was being silenced? I was afraid and angry. In the days after learning the program was ending, I slammed my office door loudly, cried with anger as I walked to work, smashed some Millrose Club mugs (I was careful to do it in a safe, private way. 🙂 VERY cathartic, btw!), my language got a bit more – um… “spicy”, and I kept to myself. Thankfully, that intensity didn’t last long. I met with my counselor and cried and told him that I just needed some sort of direction. What do I do next?? He calmly told me to breathe and pray. Breathe and pray. Yes, I can do that. And I did.
It’s true that I’d felt a bit restless in the past few years – wondering if hosting a radio program was the best fit for me. I was a little uncomfortable with filling the air with words simply because dead air is bad in radio – where is the natural space in conversation and listening for God? The relentless nature of radio was exhausting. I often tell people that I’m built for 45mph and my life has been 65mph for years. I’m tired, worn out.
Could it be…? could it really be…? that by God’s mercy and grace, I might be called to move into a place where I’m not always exhausted?